quelle surprise!

So, fabulous day.
Really, truly, one of the best days I've ever had.
Started off with a bang in Attitudes... not a literal bang mind you, but a mindfuck to be sure. Talked about life-satisfaction and about how the weather seems to influence people's moods and other such nonsense.
Well, it was 16 degrees and GORGEOUS out. Not a cloud in the sky. And I was the happiest girl on the planet. Just ask anyone - I was all "Isn't the weather fab?" on and on and on and...
I spent about 15 minutes working on the essay due yesterday, then decided to trade my work in for a discussion about how badly Frosh Week is going to suck next year. Two words: Really bad. Sitting on the pub patio, chilling with my homies - tons of fun. Voted - not that it matters. Someone really nice lent me a book. So sweet. And, eventually, when the homies dispersed, I went in search of greener pastures. Met up with some dudes and we decided we'd throw the football around for a while. Such a great thing to do on a sunny day like today - ball flying towards your face, and you can't see a thing. Aw, good times. Good practice for the Dodgeball tournament, too. "Dunja... HEADS!"
Then Ramiro FINALLY showed up and we played the guitar... about an hour after he started tuning it... gosh, so slow. He says I'm high maintenance, but really - it doesn't take 20 minutes to tune two guitars.
When the shade started to encroach, we decided to move into the pub where it was warmer. There we met up with the old Frosh Crew - literally 1/3 of the Frosh Leaders, to continue our discussion of how badly Frosh Week was going to suck next year and who was doing who's mom and so on.
Fast forward a few hours, and I'm playing the guitar with two other friends.
Fast forward a little more and I'm at a drag show.
Couple more minutes - we're on a hunt for someone MIA.
And a little later, I'm at an afterparty, chilling with brand new (awesome) friends. *SEATDANCING! What the HELL is JUICE?*
Then I'm on my ass (but luckily, not on my head - which would've been worse) when Andy drops me from the drunken piggyback in the parking lot.
Then I'm talking to my first year sociology professor about scuba diving... WTF?
Then I'm on the ride home saying "Isn't it weird how I keep getting my hopes up only to have them destroyed and molested by stupid boys?"
But no, it's not weird. It'll only get better. Soon I'll become so jaded and cynical I will form no expectations of anyone, and no one will ever be able to disappoint me. Score!
All in all, absolutely, positively fab. No sarcasm.

"We're having having having having fun, but something something tells me I miss someone" - Part 1: True. Part 2: False.
Good to be back folks, good to be back.

never look back

I'm sh-sh-shaking like a polaroid picture. Completely wired on coffee. Gotta be to stay awake, because I had another nightmare-filled night.
I woke up three times in a cold sweat, heart pumping so ridiculously fast for a second I started freaking because I thought I was having a heart attack.

I don't know what's wrong.

I never remember my dreams, and the last time I had a nightmare was as a child. But for the past two weeks, I've had one or several horrible dreams almost every single night.

And then I walk around shaking during the day. As if I wasn't a big enough spaz as it is.

Work was actually kind of fun today. I kept making cracks about my manager, and he was loving it. Then I had a half-hour long conversation with this dude I've never really paid much attention to before. He seems nice. "They all seem nice when you first meet them." - Tomal
It's an absolutely gorgeous day - sunny, and warm, and perfect. I goofed around with the guitar for about an hour and a half - I've been practicing every day (which is very impressive if you know me at all) - and I'm making steady progress, although I still can't get that damned F.

I think Saturday's exploits won't be extended beyond Saturday, and I'm pleased with that, which is ironic, because the bonus comes in the form of rejection - the very thing I was trying to avoid coming to terms with.

I need to start looking forward.

chalk it up as an (in)experience

You're not coming back for me, these things they will never be
I'm so used to being wrong, so put me where I belong

I'm never doing THAT again...

The movie wasn't bad. Per se. Actually, towards the end it went off on this tangent of horrible-ness that it never even bothered to try recovering from, so it's like one of those things that starts out sweet but you end up with a bad aftertaste and then think the whole thing was bad - but it wasn't. All bad.

And the company was: new.
There's no other way of putting it. And while relatively intellectually stimulating, very nice, and absolutely gentlemanly - it was just - awk-ward.

My heart was too busy being in my shoes to bother making a guest appearance, and while his heart was in the right place, his words weren't. They were swell, but they just didn't fit.

I don't know what I'm doing.
No news there.

Dodgeball tournament a week from today. Yeehaw! I've been practicing - throwing my stuffed animals around my room and so on at various targets and trying to avoid running into walls and stuff. It looks like a stuffed animal massacre happened in here, and I have bruises all over my body (because we know I'm not the best at avoiding running into things) - but it'll be well worth it when the stench of victory envelops me and I'm holding up that dodgeball trophy* for the team.

*Or certificate. Or nothing, because it is pretty low budget. Maybe I'll make my own trophy that I can hold up after we've won...

And yeah, oh shit, I have three essays due next week that I still haven't started. (Not counting the two that I still haven't done for that one class.)
Alas, my vati is making me clean my room because my mutti was impersonating a skunk (raised a giant stink about it) earlier, so it looks like I have yet another reason to put off homework.
Gosh.
Idiots.

completely lost cause

Ramiro got me that G-String.
Finally!
Making slow progress with a few chords, alternating between them, and so on. Practice, practice, practice.
My wrist is killing me. I think I might not be doing something right.
Either that, or the guitar is like the violin and it's only through pain that you get beauty.
God, that was the worst line EVER to have come out of my head.
It shall stay up here, though, immortalized as an example of what to never do.

So I'm excited for the weekend. I have a lot of (school)work to do, but I have some (hopefully) bright spots to look forward to as well. If worse comes to worse, I'll take George's advice and just move up a few rows, sit next to some random guy, have a few laughs. Or I'll just start spazzing like I always do when I'm nervous anyway, and that'll be enough to throw everyone off. Psyching people out, I love.

Holy shit. What is up with my grammar today?

So my dad tells my sister to go to bed, and she goes, "Not now, dear, I'm busy."
Which I thought was pretty close to hilarious.

I just hope I don't walk into anything. Literally and figuratively.

foolish mortals

"There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how"

There are a few people in this world I find it amazingly easy and intrinsically rewarding to talk to. (Very few). These are those people you can talk to about anything. The weather, the news, Nikola Tesla's moustache, walking into things, accidental dates, books, quality screenplays, timbre, shoes, personality, love, raccoons, sex, politics... you get the drill.

These are those people you can tell your deepest secret to, follow it up with a mom joke, and it just flows.

In case you still don't know what I'm talking about, these are those people you have conversations characterized by laughing fits with. Everything somehow ties into what was said fifteen minutes before, three hours ago, five days previously. You can be open, and honest, and serious, too, and time zooms past either way. With these people who are on your wavelength, so to speak, it's way past your bedtime before you know it. You've covered everything from favourite foods, to life, the universe, and alchemy, and you feel somehow happier and better for it.

The best part is that when you find one of these people, you can have an off day, but you revel in the proven knowledge that tomorrow, if not right now, you'll get back to it again. And it'll be just as easy, just as sparkling with wit, just as off-the-cuff, and spontaneous, and random, and hilarious. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, you'll find someone that'll bring it out in you even when you're not feeling it at all.

I love those people. I love those conversations.

Today, I thought that maybe what Tolstoy said about every unhappy family being so in its own right applies to conversations as well. Or, more aptly, silences.

The silence after a joke flops is different from the silence with anticipatory undercurrents. The silence after a fight is different from the silence after a kiss. There's the comfortable silence you share with best friends that have been there through scraped knees and heartbreak, then there's the awkward silence between long-lost cousins and first dates (hopefully not at the same time).

There's the silence rife with internal struggle, the one where so much is fighting to get out, but more is beating it back. Then there's the silence that comes from matching thought. Nothing comes in, nothing gets out, except "Say something, stupid."

There are silences that swallow you whole, and silences you wish would end, and silences you'd like to shatter but can't. There are guilty silences and funny ones too, exchanged over smirks, crossed eyes, and ice cream.

There are silences words would wreck and moments when silence is necessary. A mournful silence, an overwhelmed silence, a silence that remembers.

Thoughtful silences are rare, because most people talk to think, but I'm told they do exist. As surely as Peter Pan, anyway.

"Shocked speechless".

There are disappointed silences, and sad ones, angry ones, and contended ones too.

Conversations - well, conversations are all the same - all "happy" in the same way. When they're good, they're good. And when they suck, they quickly turn into silence.

the air back there is just stupefying!

...and all I mean is that it makes you stupid!

I don't think anyone has any clue how badly I don't want to do these philosophy essays. This is supposed to be my bird course this semester, and yet I still haven't handed in the paper that was due on February 1st. Even after Teresa sent me her's. That she got an A- on.
I don't even know if I can still hand it in. I'm afraid to ask, because I'm afraid to find out the answer is "no" and I've already flushed 60% of my mark down the drain... and failed the course...

The book is about a billion pages long and I never go to this class, so I really don't even know what I'm supposed to be bullshitting about. Which makes making stuff up pretty freakin' hard.

Well, at least when I do something, I go all the way.

Stuff:

"Go eat your lunch!"
"I already did..."
"What'd you use? A SHOVEL?"

"Hey! That's not a violin!"

"You know you just stepped in my beer..."
"Well, that's just splendid!"

"How come when I say something dumb everyone just looks away, but when he does it, everyone's hysterical?"
"You know how you can't laugh at a fat joke when it's about a person who's actually fat?"
"What...?"
"Ok, you know how you can't laugh at a retard for being retarded?"
"Oh... HEY!"

medium rare

Can we please talk about how necessary last night was?

There are a couple things people in general need to understand about me: 1) maturity is not my strong suit, and 2) if you piss me off, there is no coming off the black list. Ever. You can just fuck off and die, because honestly, it takes a lot to get written up there in the first place.

As pertaining to 1): Boys scare the living crap out of me. I don't care if it was his idea x a billion to meet me, I'm not going to be the first one to say hi. Even if it is the mature thing to do. Unless I'm drunk. Which I wasn't.
The way I see it: It was his idea, he should initiate. On top of that (proper etiquette) point, I'm not nearly as brave as I make it seem, and I'm afraid I will say hi and he'll laugh. And point. And possibly even throw his drink in my face.
I understand the likelihood of this happening is low, but people win the lottery all the time, and those odds are like 13 million to one. Somehow, even with odds as low as those, I wouldn't want to stand out in a lightning storm holding a metal pole. So I'm certainly not going to go talk to the guy.

As pertaining to number 2): This "love me or leave me alone" attitude isn't about revenge or punishment. An eye for an eye and the whole world goes eye-less. Or something. This is just about "live and let live"ing.

If you've pissed me off or hurt me, or a combination, cool. Live your life, and let me live mine. You chose to cut me out, so don't interrupt my flow with "friendly" small-talk that I recognize as fake since you've STOMPED ALL OVER ME IN THE PAST and smiles I interpret as leers because you've been a complete asshole to me before. As far as I'm concerned, everyone starts out with a blank slate, but once you've made a choice about me and the negative role you're going to play in my life, in the process, you've also outlined my course of action for me. There is no (more) room for toxic persons in this girl's head. There will be no attempts at re-building a bridge you burned on my end, so do me a favour and stop looking for cooperation. Should've thought about it before you torched it. Learn for next time, with the NEXT person. Because this one is gone.

I wish things weren't that way in my head, but they are. And that's not changing. So just do me a favour and be consistent. If you've decided to be an asshole, don't try to back-paddle. You made your choice.


On a sidenote:
"Is he cute?"
"Well, um, yeah, if you're into that kinda 'not-cute-at-all' look..."

"You coach soccer? What, like little kids?"
"Medium..."

Sometimes in life, you think you have it all figured out.

And then someone emails you.

The end.

hating on haters who wreck everything... those assholes

You know when you discover something and it stops you in your tracks? And you can't move? Or think? Or breathe?

I have that. (Again).

I should just cancel the internet. It's bad for my karma. It's bad for my chi. It's bad for my head. It's just... bad. Overall. It gives me impure thoughts and makes me act in ways that match (no, I'm not talking about porn).

Tomal said he'd hate to see me happy because I'd never write.

Huh.

Tomal, on me calling him after I got home from dinner the other night:
"I had to make sure you got home safe... I mean, you hit a pole in a parking lot!"

Yeah, sure did!

Poomar also made a funny the other day. We were discussing sky-diving and whether or not you could jump out of a jet. I said something along the lines of "Even if the engine didn't suck you in and destroy you, do you know what the atmospheric pressure is up there? You'd probably die..."
He goes "I've been on your mom before, so yeah, I think I have some idea."

I was so impressed with his ability to turn our discussion about atmospheric pressure into a mom joke - that was not only a mom-slut joke, but also a fat-mom joke, that I completely didn't even beat him up for saying it.

P.S. Work sucks. Hungover or otherwise.

i go about my business

We had this old, disoriented lady come into the store. She didn't know who she was or where she was or where she was going. She just knew her son was sleeping and that she didn't want to go to the hospital.
It was really sad. I felt completely helpless.
At one point, she was switching speaking with me in German and in English, but je ne sprechensie Deutsch so it was confusing. Although, now that I think on it, most of what she was saying was confusing. She had moments of lucidity where she'd say something like "I'm a lot better now then I was before. Before, I couldn't do anything." But then she'd go back to talking about her sleeping son.
I felt like someone should've been taking better care of her.

There's a really lame movie out there somewhere with only one good line. Something along the lines of all of us just wanting to have a witness to our lives, and be the witness to somebody else's.

I don't think anything could be more true.

Isn't that all there is? All we want? Just to have someone notice your life - your annoyances, your victories, your failures? Do we ever really reach out to someone for advice? Or is it usually just to let it out? To talk about it? Isn't it really just to have someone look at you for a second like they care that propels us to seek one another out in times of trouble or happiness? Isn't that all we really want? Just the knowing (even if it is a false knowing) that someone will notice us in all our mediocrity and think us special enough to keep noticing?

Maybe that's why so many people have blogs. They want to feel like someone, anyone, is witness to their lives, insignificant or jaw-droppingly boring as they might be.
I know this blog started in jest, as a way for me to prove something to someone, but it's turned into something that in some ways verifies (although not completely justifying) my continued existance on this planet.

A friend and I discussed it the other night, although I'm sure neither of us noticed the philosophical significance of the discussion at the moment: When you're thinking about your life in blog-form - what's missing? Anything? Nothing? Everything?

Maybe I really am just the loneliest girl in the world, as someone once aptly remarked.
So, I guess my question is, what's wrong with that?

Tangent: Can we please talk about how working with a hangover is not at all fun?

sold 9 million

Fate conspired last night to deliver one of the better nights I've ever had.

No planning, apparently = great friends, great compliments, great times, great laughs, and a sizzling number. (Well, the number itself isn't all that special, but the owner *is*... Sssssssssizzling.)

Amazing ego boost, anyway.

"How could anyone say no to a face like that?"
"I couldn't say no to a face like that..."

OMG.

Can we talk about people spilling tea all over the tablecloth? Victims (or lack thereof) in bed? The guy who didn't respond to a note from ROXY and GINGER? What was he THINKING? Let's not forget hoe-downs with strangers, the amazing mix on the ride home, running into friendly faces, "You're absolutely gorgeous - you've GOT to be kidding me!". Speak of the devil...

OMG.

I'm creaming my pants just thinking about it.

Best night EVER!

>Angle brackets emphasize the point!<

Some things in life don't ever come together - like parallel lines. Then there's nights like last night. Wow.

P.S. I'm a genius. 92 on a LATE assignment? 3rd year Advanced Cognitive Processes course? At UofT?
Yeah... I'm a genius.

bringing out the worst

So yesterday I hit a pole with the car in an EMPTY parking lot. I blame Tomal. He was distracting me with words and stuff. And I also blame the fact that the parking lot was empty. If it had cars in it, I probably would've been paying more attention. But how do you miss a pole? I'm such a dolt.

Good thing my dad hasn't noticed the scratch. Yet.

Today was a good day considering the circumstances. I had a midterm that I'd spent virtually 4 hours studying for. I went over only 46% of the material, I'd estimate, for the first time ever.
I think I passed.
I would've aced it had I actually studied.

Therein lies the rub.

I would've studied yesterday had I been able to breathe.

That's probably not true.

I would've found another excuse not to study, but the fact that I couldn't breathe definitely came in handy as a reason.

I couldn't breathe because I had just gained ultimate closure in soundwave form.
But today was a new day. And I got through it just fine, breathing like my life depended on it. I even smiled quite a bit.

I'm going to be absolutely, positively fine. Better, actually, then ever before.

It's like a giant weight is slowly getting lifted off, and it feels great to rediscover myself and things and people I'd have sworn were gone forever.

I, too, can be funny, and friendly, and fun to be around. Those fundamental truths had gotten lost somewhere in all the sadness and anger and drama, and I'd convinced myself who I became was who I'd been all along, and the way I had to be. But that isn't true. I can be more. I am more.

Today was a good day.

Real

I saw something in the distance,
But it was just as small when I got there.
I saw something in the distance,
But it was only you.

I walk around
Where the crowds have been
Telling myself boring stories,
Laughing at all the wrong parts,
And smiling about us.

Feelings flash in vivid patches.
I'm the spirit of someone you killed
Dumped in the trunk of a car
And pushed off the edge of the world

It seems silly now,
But at the time you were fascinating.
We laughed at all the same wrong parts.
We laughed.
And I could've sworn,
For a few minutes at least,
You were real.

- Daniel Fisher

Unrested Audience of One

I've been reading other's blogs lately.

Excerpt from " Audience of One " :

So I'll make a personal plea of my own. You have someone out there you haven't talked to in years? Had a misunderstanding that grew into a permanent estrangement? Had an argument that went too far? Pick up the phone. Put away your pride. My uncle's pride is of cold comfort to him now. If it doesn't work you've lost nothing. You're where you are right now. It isn't weakness. Its strength. Strength to heal the wounds and love each other like you should. The day will come when it might be too late.

Excerpt from " Unrested" :

Dr C phoned me last night. After I whined and whined that he doesn't care anymore, he called me. He said "it's your favourite psychiatrist, feeling kind of depressed and rejected."

"I think I'm supposed to be saying that."

He laughed, and then asked me what's been going on, to which I replied "I don't know". Which I'm sure he expected me to say, since that's the answer I give 90% of the time, no matter what the question is. I like it because it's not a real answer, but it's not really a lie, either. It's a way to avoid actually saying anything, and when you use it two or three times in a row, most people will just give up on trying to talk to you.

There's lots of wisdom out there, and many places to gather strength from.
It's kind of comforting to know that.

porkchop sandwiches!

In the last two nights, lots of knowledge I previously took for granted has been illustrated and solidified in my mind with examples, such that I am now confident it will be retained that much better.

1) Life goes on. Whether your belt falls on the floor of the washroom, a girl spills her drink on you, the coatcheck people lose your coat, or you just see something you would've liked to have avoided seeing - it always does. And you wouldn't want it any other way.
2) People find me likeable. Whether they're dancing with me, asking me how I'm feeling, buying me drinks, or sending me winks, for some reason, some people like me. They exist, and they're multiple.
3) Some of my friends are pretty shit.
4) Some of my friends are pretty awesome. (Tomal)
5) Some people will tell you what you want to hear. (Trinidad)
6) Some people will tell you what you need to hear. (Tomal)
7) Some people will hurt you.
8) Some people will help you.
9) Sometimes its hard to discern between the two categories, but telling them apart is always possible and should be attempted.
10) Life sometimes kicks you when you're down. Majorly.
And that, 11) sometimes, you just have to help yourself.

Because when you decide to help yourself, wonderful things happen. Like realizing that life does go on, that this isn't the end of anything but rather the beginning of something else altogether, and that there are, in fact, (even though you'd convinced yourself otherwise,) other fish in the sea.

Tonight, I had a chill night with some good, old friends, who have never let me down. We played cards, we sang songs, we joked around, and talked. But mostly, we were together and I was reminded that I'm not alone.
Thanks guys.

PSY320

According to cognitive dissonance theory, when our wants or attitudes are not in congruence with our behaviour, we feel dissonance. Dissonance between our attitudes and behaviour is apparently not something we enjoy feeling. In fact, we try to avoid it. People like to be consistent.
So, for example, if you hate apples, but you eat an apple, you want to try to explain your behaviour if at all possible so that it makes sense with your attitude. For instance, you might say "I don't like the taste of apples, but I know they're good for me, and they're the only fruit lying around, so I might as well eat one if I don't want to develop scurvy". And that's cool.

Now, let's say someone tells you to eat an apple (and you hate apples) and they tell you they'll give you $1 if you do it. You eat the apple. How do you explain that away? $1 is not all that much money to do something you don't want to do, or eat something you hate the taste of. You can't take eating the apple back - you can't undo your behaviour. So, the only way to achieve congruence between your attitude and your behaviour is to change your attitude. You might convince yourself that, "Hey, since I ate the apple for only $1, I must not think they're so bad. In fact, I might actually like apples a little." And you might be more likely to eat an apple in the future, or rate an apple favourably.

And this is what tons of research supports. (For links to specific studies, comment. I WILL source this if there's enough interest.)

So, my prof decided to extend this concept to relationships today. His argument was that, basically, people don't fall in love and then get together, but rather that people who get together end up falling in love.
He says that if you're getting into a relationship with someone, you're making a commitment, and you want to know why you're making that commitment. So you start coming up with reasons you like this person. Then, as time goes on and they do things that bug you, you start to downplay these things that bug you, because you're committed to the person, and you'd hate to be committed to someone you didn't like (e.g. for your behaviour - commitment - to be inconsistent with your attitude - general dislike). Then, you start to think "I've been with this person for so long, they have so many wonderful qualities, and hardly any bad ones. I must really like them." And thus love blooms. Only prerequisite? Motivation to engage in cognitive dissonance reduction.

Well, it might not seem like a very comforting idea to know that our decisions - even important ones - are therefore always fundamentally flawed. It's only really your subjective perception of whether or not a decision was right or wrong that matters, and you're going to think it was right no matter what because it's just not practical to hate yourself for something or regret something. But when you think about it, it's actually great for your mental health to never really have to regret anything. You might feel some dissonance initially, but in the end you'll be like "you know what, it's for the best". Even if it objectively wasn't.

There exists a tie-in. When I first decided on UTM, I wasn't so sure about it. I thought "It's in the boonies, I'll be surrounded by brown people, and honestly... it's in the boonies." 3 years later, yeah, "it's for the best", but, lets face it, who can ever tell me for sure it WAS for the best? Unless someone has a time machine, there's no way I have of knowing for sure that I wouldn't have loved a giant campus, or the profs downtown. And maybe, had I gone downtown, I'd have thought "It's for the best." Actually, according to cognitive dissonance theory, that's exactly what I would've thought.

So why do I love this class? Do I really have to explain? EVERYTHING we cover is directly applicable and extremely pertinent to my everyday life. In the very near future, I'm going to have to make some very hard decisions, no doubt. But having this information is wonderful, because I know I'll make the right choices in the end, no matter what. :)
Also, so far, I'm getting an A.
That TOTALLY helps.