brave new world
I extended the survey to include some male opinions. They were split straight down the middle, and I realized that this is a very personal issue.
When I think of a boyfriend, I think of someone who is:
Kind, generous, humorous, fun to be around, intelligent, thoughtful, attractive, sweet. Whatever. So does the rest of the population. Where I begin to differ with the rest of the population (or 30% of the female and 50% of the male, apparently) is in my conceptualization of what being a good boyfriend ENTAILS. It isn't enough that you have these background qualities - you also have to work actively and DO things. You have to BE the role.
Well, I guess the question then is, what IS the role?
In my mind's eye, a boyfriend is someone who is far above and beyond a friend. In that way, "boyfriend" is something of a misnomer. If I just wanted another boy who was a friend, I'd meet one. Boys that are friends are plentiful. Boyfriends are special.
A boyfriend, unlike a mere friend, should make you their number one priority. Before you all have a heart attack: That doesn't entail foresaking all others, all hobbies, all activities, or all goals for you. I'm all about "alone" time, and time with friends, and time doing what you enjoy doing on your own. What it DOES mean is that TIME GETS MADE for you. So if he chooses to spend 6/7 days playing checkers because he really likes that, then that seventh day should be all about you. Or, if he says he'll call at a certain time, or on a certain day, then he'd better make the effort to do that. Or, if he says, "Let's hang out on this day because it's good for me", then he shouldn't cancel an hour later because NAPPING came up. I understand if family stuff comes up, a friend needs to see him urgently, he needs to do something for school, or got called into work. But ditching me TO NAP? Napping shouldn't trump potential girlfriend, ok?
Unlike a mere friend, who will meet you at their leisure and when it's most convenient, a boyfriend should work a little harder to make it work. Sometimes that means putting other things off, or substituting you for something else.
If the relationship is worthwhile, this shouldn't seem like a sacrifice, but merely a natural progression of affairs. You have one extra person who is important to you in your life now, so, it follows, you're going to have less time for other stuff or other people. It's not a bad thing. It's just different.
I REITERATE: this doesn't mean ignoring everyone and everything else. This just means prioritizing such that, at any given time, this person is on the list of the top five things you need to do. And if four out of the five things you need to do are nap, read pamphlet about vitamin c, twiddle your thumbs, and eat a cake - then you'd better go see the girlfriend.
Nextly, a boyfriend, unlike a mere friend, should be there for you in places or times other friends can't or won't be. The boyfriend should be the one you can depend on to pick you up when your ride disappears at 2am, the boyfriend should make the drive out to your house at 4am when your sister goes missing, and the boyfriend should bring you the soup in bed when you're sick. It's not because you don't have other friends who'll do it for you, it's because that's simply in the boyfriend's job description more so then in their's. In my head, of course. This is all in my head.
A boyfriend should be someone you share interests with, so that you can have fun doing stuff together - but beyond that, you should be able to enjoy your time with them intrinsically - because you're with them, not because you're doing something especially exciting. So while it's important that y'all go rockclimbing together, it's equally important that you can just sit and chill and be - and have fun doing either.
To the boyfriend, the girlfriend should be the one you should think of calling FIRST when something goes right, or wrong, or when you're bored, or especially busy. And the girlfriend should be the one you want to see first when you've been boarded up in your house for 3 weeks and haven't seen anyone.
And maybe that's just me, but that's a boyfriend: To the boyfriend, the only thing seperating you from the rest of the female friend population is that they simply care about you more - the boyfriend would simply drive further, make bigger sacrifices, compromise more, and try harder to make it work with the girlfriend then with other people. (Presumably because the girl and boyfriend have more fun with each other then with the average bear - but that's why they gave each other special status in the first place, no?)
Maybe because I expect so much, I'm often uneasy about assigning the title of "boyfriend" to any guy - to me, being a girlfriend is a HUGE commitment, encompassing far more then that I'm not going to see other guys anymore. It's also a commitment to see the boyfriend whenever you feasibly can, and call them when you can't see them, and be there in emergencies or times of need. To stay up until 3am editing their paper, or make the treck to visit them on their campus on your day off. To invite them to (almost) all the parties you attend, and write them a letter when they're feeling down. To go to the store with them so they don't have to go alone, or keep them company when they're studying. To make them laugh and brighten their day, to lend them money, or spoil them rotten.
When it's with the right guy, none of it seems like a chore, all of it seems worthwhile, and I'd rather do any and all of it then nap or read a pamphlet about vitamin c or eat a cake (although I might rather twiddle my thumbs then edit his paper, I'll admit).
And because it's a huge commitment, I don't often make it.
And because it's a huge commitment, I'm careful about who I make it to.
And so, when someone shows me that perhaps their idea of the amount of time or effort that needs to be invested into a relationship in order to make it really work doesn't match up with my own, I'm cautious about allowing it to go any further.
As I keep mentioning, boys that are friends are plentiful. Boys that you can make out with are easy to find. Boyfriends are special.
And that's where some people are criticising me, saying I've blown this out of proportion and that maybe my standards are too high. And maybe they're right. Clearly not everyone agrees with this assessment of roles. Some people think boy/girlfriends should simply take over where best friends leave off, some people think boy/girlfriends are simply there for the added bonus of physical contact, some people structure their entire lives around boy/girlfriends and forget about everyone else when they're in a relationship.
I'm proposing a happy medium, and need someone who wants the same thing, otherwise, it's just not going to work.
It's not a matter of expecting too much, I argue, but of expecting something entirely different.
When I think of a boyfriend, I think of someone who is:
Kind, generous, humorous, fun to be around, intelligent, thoughtful, attractive, sweet. Whatever. So does the rest of the population. Where I begin to differ with the rest of the population (or 30% of the female and 50% of the male, apparently) is in my conceptualization of what being a good boyfriend ENTAILS. It isn't enough that you have these background qualities - you also have to work actively and DO things. You have to BE the role.
Well, I guess the question then is, what IS the role?
In my mind's eye, a boyfriend is someone who is far above and beyond a friend. In that way, "boyfriend" is something of a misnomer. If I just wanted another boy who was a friend, I'd meet one. Boys that are friends are plentiful. Boyfriends are special.
A boyfriend, unlike a mere friend, should make you their number one priority. Before you all have a heart attack: That doesn't entail foresaking all others, all hobbies, all activities, or all goals for you. I'm all about "alone" time, and time with friends, and time doing what you enjoy doing on your own. What it DOES mean is that TIME GETS MADE for you. So if he chooses to spend 6/7 days playing checkers because he really likes that, then that seventh day should be all about you. Or, if he says he'll call at a certain time, or on a certain day, then he'd better make the effort to do that. Or, if he says, "Let's hang out on this day because it's good for me", then he shouldn't cancel an hour later because NAPPING came up. I understand if family stuff comes up, a friend needs to see him urgently, he needs to do something for school, or got called into work. But ditching me TO NAP? Napping shouldn't trump potential girlfriend, ok?
Unlike a mere friend, who will meet you at their leisure and when it's most convenient, a boyfriend should work a little harder to make it work. Sometimes that means putting other things off, or substituting you for something else.
If the relationship is worthwhile, this shouldn't seem like a sacrifice, but merely a natural progression of affairs. You have one extra person who is important to you in your life now, so, it follows, you're going to have less time for other stuff or other people. It's not a bad thing. It's just different.
I REITERATE: this doesn't mean ignoring everyone and everything else. This just means prioritizing such that, at any given time, this person is on the list of the top five things you need to do. And if four out of the five things you need to do are nap, read pamphlet about vitamin c, twiddle your thumbs, and eat a cake - then you'd better go see the girlfriend.
Nextly, a boyfriend, unlike a mere friend, should be there for you in places or times other friends can't or won't be. The boyfriend should be the one you can depend on to pick you up when your ride disappears at 2am, the boyfriend should make the drive out to your house at 4am when your sister goes missing, and the boyfriend should bring you the soup in bed when you're sick. It's not because you don't have other friends who'll do it for you, it's because that's simply in the boyfriend's job description more so then in their's. In my head, of course. This is all in my head.
A boyfriend should be someone you share interests with, so that you can have fun doing stuff together - but beyond that, you should be able to enjoy your time with them intrinsically - because you're with them, not because you're doing something especially exciting. So while it's important that y'all go rockclimbing together, it's equally important that you can just sit and chill and be - and have fun doing either.
To the boyfriend, the girlfriend should be the one you should think of calling FIRST when something goes right, or wrong, or when you're bored, or especially busy. And the girlfriend should be the one you want to see first when you've been boarded up in your house for 3 weeks and haven't seen anyone.
And maybe that's just me, but that's a boyfriend: To the boyfriend, the only thing seperating you from the rest of the female friend population is that they simply care about you more - the boyfriend would simply drive further, make bigger sacrifices, compromise more, and try harder to make it work with the girlfriend then with other people. (Presumably because the girl and boyfriend have more fun with each other then with the average bear - but that's why they gave each other special status in the first place, no?)
Maybe because I expect so much, I'm often uneasy about assigning the title of "boyfriend" to any guy - to me, being a girlfriend is a HUGE commitment, encompassing far more then that I'm not going to see other guys anymore. It's also a commitment to see the boyfriend whenever you feasibly can, and call them when you can't see them, and be there in emergencies or times of need. To stay up until 3am editing their paper, or make the treck to visit them on their campus on your day off. To invite them to (almost) all the parties you attend, and write them a letter when they're feeling down. To go to the store with them so they don't have to go alone, or keep them company when they're studying. To make them laugh and brighten their day, to lend them money, or spoil them rotten.
When it's with the right guy, none of it seems like a chore, all of it seems worthwhile, and I'd rather do any and all of it then nap or read a pamphlet about vitamin c or eat a cake (although I might rather twiddle my thumbs then edit his paper, I'll admit).
And because it's a huge commitment, I don't often make it.
And because it's a huge commitment, I'm careful about who I make it to.
And so, when someone shows me that perhaps their idea of the amount of time or effort that needs to be invested into a relationship in order to make it really work doesn't match up with my own, I'm cautious about allowing it to go any further.
As I keep mentioning, boys that are friends are plentiful. Boys that you can make out with are easy to find. Boyfriends are special.
And that's where some people are criticising me, saying I've blown this out of proportion and that maybe my standards are too high. And maybe they're right. Clearly not everyone agrees with this assessment of roles. Some people think boy/girlfriends should simply take over where best friends leave off, some people think boy/girlfriends are simply there for the added bonus of physical contact, some people structure their entire lives around boy/girlfriends and forget about everyone else when they're in a relationship.
I'm proposing a happy medium, and need someone who wants the same thing, otherwise, it's just not going to work.
It's not a matter of expecting too much, I argue, but of expecting something entirely different.
posted by captain obvious at 6:53 p.m.
1 Comments:
Thanks for being constructive.
As it turns out, my gut feeling about him simply not caring is probably true, but I appreciate that another point of view could've been taken.
Turns out: I need "needy". I've been spoiled with affection from my entire family my entire life, and anything falling short of "I'll just throw this right out there" is too little. Maybe.
Or maybe he just wasn't right for me.
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