boi meets grrl

I'm teetering and tottering and there's no seesaw in sight.

In all brutal and unadulterated honesty, some days (more aptly, some nights), I wish there was someone to debate about calling. I wish sometimes there was someone to snuggle up and read a good book with. Someone to distract me from work by invading every other thought, someone to be reminded of when a certain song comes on, someone to wish was around at a party full of people.
I kinda wish there was someone to worry about leaving behind when I go away before I get on the bus, and someone to miss while I'm gone.
And I wish there was someone I could just drag to the mall at a moment's notice because that's exactly the type of thing that's in their job description.
Too many times in the last few weeks I've wish there was someone there just so they could be the fucking DD so I could get hammered - but then I realized that if there was that someone, I wouldn't want to get hammered as badly.

And then there's nights like tonight. When I just want to be completely and utterly alone. Nights when I don't want anyone anywhere near me or my mind except the cute bartender or the funny dude on stage - and even them, in the most superficial and flighty way possible.
Nights like tonight when I want to look out at a sea of possibilities in the form of untapped boy potential, and fantasize about how great it'd be to snuggle up with any one of them, but not actually do anything about it because that'd defeat the purpose.
Nights like tonight when I just want to look forward to a string of meaningless dates that could be fun and could be lame and will not matter either way, and calls that may or may not come but won't faze me in either form, and comments or compliments that may or may not hurt or flatter, but couldn't be further from the truth or anything I need to hear or care about hearing.

And so I teeter, and totter, and hope no one else gets truly tangled up because I'm not sure anyone outside my head could survive this rodeo.
Some days I don't even think I can handle it.
And then there's nights like tonight when I wouldn't trade it in for what the whole world wants on a silver platter.

But it's weird, even to me, how I can be so cynical and jaded and superficial and disillusioned and so in love with the idea of love all at the same time. And I'm not sure where it'll take me, but hopefully it's somewhere warm and tropical where I can enjoy the smell of the sea and males of our species don't exist except in the form of hot and sweaty cabana boys.