i hope you don't mind...

I wished you were someone else tonight.
Someone who got my jokes. All of them, in all their insanity and randomness and verbosity. Who appreciated that I appreciate that most of them are dumb. Who got the difference between when I was serious and when I wasn't without me ever once having to clarify.
I wished you were someone who made obscure references to movies no one's seen and books no one's read and things no one's done and no one gets, but me, and you.
Someone who understood that my underachievement is just a cover for my overconfidence, and that my overconfidence is just a product of my underachievement.
Hell, I figured that while I was wishing, I might as well wish you were someone who understood all the ways in which that last sentence wasn't wrong in the slightest.
I wished you were someone who wouldn't laugh at my zaniest ideas. I wished you were someone who understood that half of what I say is a test.
I wish you'd be encouraged by me to be more, to fulfill your potential, to discard bad habits, to improve and evolve and mature and grow.
I wished looking at you a certain way would make you laugh.
Or that you'd tell me that every time you saw me, you were more impressed by me.
I wished you were someone who'd chatted with my sister on the porch and made jokes I wasn't allowed to hear. Or understood certain aspects of my life implicitly, and embraced them.
I wished you were someone who'd look at me like I was the only person that mattered.
Someone who made me feel like the biggest dolt and cutest thing all at the same time.
I wished you got that sometimes I need to be a kid, and other times I need to be grown up, and made that transition with me seamlessly.
And I wished you'd listen to me, and not just pretend to, but truly hear what I'm saying. I wish you'd like me for more then my boobs or my fancy words or my GPA, or even any combination of the above. I wish you'd like me for all the ways I don't make sense, and all the ways I do. All the dumb ways I walk and all the gay things I say. Like 'gay'. I wish you'd like my frown as much as my smile and hope for the latter but work with the former, and I wish you'd try to fix things, but only those that need fixing.
I wish you'd let go of all pretenses and pretend I'm not like all the other girls you've ever known. I wish you wouldn't forget I exist when I'm not around. I wish you'd find me fascinating, and not just right now, in this moment, but in the long term. That I never ceased to amaze you with my observations and uncanny sense of humour. That you couldn't quite place why you missed me, but that you knew you did. That you'd wish I was there when something good happened, or something bad happened, or nothing at all was happening.
I wished you'd recognize and appreciate everything I do for you, and that you'd make an attempt not to take any of it for granted, but that you would take it for granted - because that's what people do when they're comfortable. I wished you were comfortable.


And that's all, I guess. And I hope it's not too much to ask. I just wished you'd see in me what I see in you.
And I wished you'd call.
Right now.
At 2:10 in the morning.
But since you won't, I guess I'll settle for calling you. And wishing.