i don't eat them

Liar.

I eat everything.
And spend too much money.
I can't quit this.

There are some things you can't erase or take back. There are some things that never stop, never go away. I can't quit me.

Ignore it. Avoid it. Deny it. Confuse yourself, delude yourself, deceive yourself. But you can't convince yourself. Not for real. Not for good. Not for long. I can't quit you.

Because you could just be going about your day, your week, your month, - and then BAM! - it just hits you, out of nowhere. And you know why? Because every day is a game of Russian roulette. And once in a while, you pull, and it doesn't just click. Once in a while, you pull and you don't get this flood of relief. Because once in a while, you don't even realize you pulled.

Then it all washes over you - foreign, and yet somehow familiar -like coming back to the place you grew up. It's not yours anymore, and it's not the same - but somewhere deep down it's as if you never left. You remember chasing games and the smell by the window in spring; things long forgotten.
Somehow, that something that you've been missing all this time is back, and you feel whole, even though you'd never even noticed it was gone.

And then it's just this feeling: malaise and longing; wishing you weren't pretending just to get by.

There are just things that I've done that I wish I could change. Things I wish I could believe. Things I never want to be reminded of again.
But I know that it's only a matter of time before I pull the trigger and it doesn't just click again.
And that scares the fuck out of me.

I wish I'd never let go.
This game is stupid, anyway.