My bus driver on the 1C had a heart attack this morning on my way to school.
I think I should just stay away from public transit from now on.
Today was stressful. Getting to school and seeing everyone freak out about the Freud exam got me freaking out. All sorts of stuff was on my mind, the exam, yes, but other things too. 1) Having not talked to friends - like, REALLY talked to friends in well over a month. Being completely cut off like that takes its toll I guess. 2) Then my grandpa - I was kinda stressing about that too. When I went to visit him on Sunday, he wasn't very optimistic which made me angry and sad, but mostly worried. I wish he would've been stronger about it. I know that's selfish. 3) I was mean to some people yesterday, unnecessarily. Giving people a hard time 'cause I'm freaking out about exams. 4) Then boys. How come the ones I notice never notice me back? And how come they only ask me for my number when I have a bet for $100 going that I WON'T go out with them? And how come they say things like "Yeah, I know, you were in my Social Psych class - I noticed you" and follow it up with "Catch ya later *insert a person's name here other than mine*" WTF? And how come ALL of them tell me they'll *maybe* come to my party? 5) Maybe = no... right?
And it's not like no one noticed I was on edge. Everyone asked me what was wrong. Like a quatrillion times. Even Andrew. And he's usually clueless. And nothing was *wrong* per say... I just felt stupid.
So I get home after the exam I totally butchered because I didn't feel like doing it at all.
I was only slightly excited about the A- I got on my essay.
And then my dad drops the bombshell - he says it's worse with grandpa then we thought. Second-hand information through my cousin (not the most reliable source): one of his arteries is about 7cm wider than it's supposed to be - and 4cm wider than it's supposed to be when surgery is recommended. So I don't know what to feel. I mean, it's too early to feel anything really - we don't even know how the situation stands - will they be able to do anything about it? Will they not? They still have to run a battery of tests to find out. My dad tells me the condition is hereditary and that the doctor suggested that anyone in the family with a history of high blood pressure get checked out. My dad has had high blood pressure... for as long as I can remember.
He goes back to talking about grandpa. And a couple sentences into it, he stops. I'm looking at the ground at this point. I look up to see why he's stopped. And he's crying.
I've seen my dad cry before. But this is just... I don't know. Seeing him crying this time gets me really going. And all he says is, "I'm sad".
God. If I'd read that line in a book, I'd've been like "No shit. That's why people cry." But it made me sad instead of the "angry and caustic" I would've been under different circumstances.
I didn't know what to do. I don't have issues with my father - we're close and affectionate, but I didn't know... should I reach out? Should I hug him? Should I stand here crying? Should I look down? Should I look at his face? Should I go upstairs? Should I stop crying? Am I crying because he's crying?
Longest three minutes of my life.
I didn't do anything.
It was system overload.
And when I was all cried out, I just walked upstairs. One step at a time. And here I am.
I don't think I was crying about grandpa. I think it was just... everything. Because, like I told my dad, it's too early to cry for grandpa - he's not gone yet. He hasn't even packed...
And Rosey's right, I have so much to be thankful for.
I just needed to get it out, and now that I have, I'll be alright.
I think I should just stay away from public transit from now on.
Today was stressful. Getting to school and seeing everyone freak out about the Freud exam got me freaking out. All sorts of stuff was on my mind, the exam, yes, but other things too. 1) Having not talked to friends - like, REALLY talked to friends in well over a month. Being completely cut off like that takes its toll I guess. 2) Then my grandpa - I was kinda stressing about that too. When I went to visit him on Sunday, he wasn't very optimistic which made me angry and sad, but mostly worried. I wish he would've been stronger about it. I know that's selfish. 3) I was mean to some people yesterday, unnecessarily. Giving people a hard time 'cause I'm freaking out about exams. 4) Then boys. How come the ones I notice never notice me back? And how come they only ask me for my number when I have a bet for $100 going that I WON'T go out with them? And how come they say things like "Yeah, I know, you were in my Social Psych class - I noticed you" and follow it up with "Catch ya later *insert a person's name here other than mine*" WTF? And how come ALL of them tell me they'll *maybe* come to my party? 5) Maybe = no... right?
And it's not like no one noticed I was on edge. Everyone asked me what was wrong. Like a quatrillion times. Even Andrew. And he's usually clueless. And nothing was *wrong* per say... I just felt stupid.
So I get home after the exam I totally butchered because I didn't feel like doing it at all.
I was only slightly excited about the A- I got on my essay.
And then my dad drops the bombshell - he says it's worse with grandpa then we thought. Second-hand information through my cousin (not the most reliable source): one of his arteries is about 7cm wider than it's supposed to be - and 4cm wider than it's supposed to be when surgery is recommended. So I don't know what to feel. I mean, it's too early to feel anything really - we don't even know how the situation stands - will they be able to do anything about it? Will they not? They still have to run a battery of tests to find out. My dad tells me the condition is hereditary and that the doctor suggested that anyone in the family with a history of high blood pressure get checked out. My dad has had high blood pressure... for as long as I can remember.
He goes back to talking about grandpa. And a couple sentences into it, he stops. I'm looking at the ground at this point. I look up to see why he's stopped. And he's crying.
I've seen my dad cry before. But this is just... I don't know. Seeing him crying this time gets me really going. And all he says is, "I'm sad".
God. If I'd read that line in a book, I'd've been like "No shit. That's why people cry." But it made me sad instead of the "angry and caustic" I would've been under different circumstances.
I didn't know what to do. I don't have issues with my father - we're close and affectionate, but I didn't know... should I reach out? Should I hug him? Should I stand here crying? Should I look down? Should I look at his face? Should I go upstairs? Should I stop crying? Am I crying because he's crying?
Longest three minutes of my life.
I didn't do anything.
It was system overload.
And when I was all cried out, I just walked upstairs. One step at a time. And here I am.
I don't think I was crying about grandpa. I think it was just... everything. Because, like I told my dad, it's too early to cry for grandpa - he's not gone yet. He hasn't even packed...
And Rosey's right, I have so much to be thankful for.
I just needed to get it out, and now that I have, I'll be alright.
posted by captain obvious at 11:54 p.m.
2 Comments:
I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. No word I can say can make you or your dad and the rest of your family less sad. But I do know that grieving a part of living and it is only through losing that we know we have truly loved.
Rejoice in the fact that you have a grandpa who has been in your life. Rejoice in the fact that he gave you your dad. Be glad for his life for death is not the opposite of life...death is the opposite of birth...life has no equal and no opposite. (wise words taught to me by none other than dawson leery!)
if you need a hand to hold, an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on, i have two of each and you're free to borrow one or both any time!
Thank you Rosey.
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