2,000 Hits
So having just (2 weeks ago) finished reading a book called "The Boyfriend List" (for plot summary go here )and feeling the need to partake in some sort of therapeutic activity after the miserable failure I put forward as an attempt to finish my MINITAB assignment, I decided to write out my own boyfriend list and see if I could find any patterns. The idea is to, having identified the patterns, work on replacing destructive behaviours with positive ones, thereby fixing the problem (something I undeniably have).
Now, in the book, Ruby (the main character) writes out every single guy she's ever had anything to do with even in a slight way (whether the encounter is important or unimportant doesn't matter - as anyone who's studied Freud knows - it is often the things you think are unimportant that end up shedding the most light on the issue). There's a couple of people on her list she's never even kissed. There are people on her list she hasn't talked to in years. There are people on her list that are just guys that are friends. So when I tell you that my (condensed - because if I'd written down every single crush I've ever had, it'd be 985 pages long)list consisted of 17 people, don't be shocked (or think I'm some sort of skank). Most of them were nothing. However, even these nothings assisted me in coming to the root of the problem:
ME.
The only common denominator in every single one of these failed attempts is ME. There are no other patterns. These guys have been as different as night and day, and as varied as Berty Botts Every Flavoured Beans - in their approach, in their treatment of me, in their attitudes, in their interests, in their appearance, in their mannerisms, in their quirks: in every single way. The only consistent thing across every interaction has been either my incredible immaturity, my lack of action (possibly stemming from my immaturity), or my lack of investment (also could be placed under the category of immaturity). I've been severely passive, letting chances go by, relationships go down the shitter - all because I'm too scared? It must be scared-ed-ness (fright) because I can't imagine why somebody would willingly destroy anything and everything that came their way otherwise.
And what I'm scared of, I can't imagine.
Zeebs says I'm a commitment-phobic. It kind of makes sense, I can't even stay with a guy that I'm not in a relationship with... I can't even do flings, I can't even do real friendships (unless the other person is willing to fork over 90% of the effort between the two of us.)
I used to tell myself I'm just running into the wrong kind of guy, but it's almost as if though I go out and seek them. And if the guy isn't wrong, I become wrong - taking his place at being the asshole in the relationship. And occasionally, the guy and I will take turns at being the asshole. Those are the most drawn-out things - but eventually, it always ends in the same way: I feel shitty, he feels shitty, and no, we can't be friends.
So okay, I've identified the problem. Now the question is, how do I replace ME with a positive behaviour?
Now, in the book, Ruby (the main character) writes out every single guy she's ever had anything to do with even in a slight way (whether the encounter is important or unimportant doesn't matter - as anyone who's studied Freud knows - it is often the things you think are unimportant that end up shedding the most light on the issue). There's a couple of people on her list she's never even kissed. There are people on her list she hasn't talked to in years. There are people on her list that are just guys that are friends. So when I tell you that my (condensed - because if I'd written down every single crush I've ever had, it'd be 985 pages long)list consisted of 17 people, don't be shocked (or think I'm some sort of skank). Most of them were nothing. However, even these nothings assisted me in coming to the root of the problem:
ME.
The only common denominator in every single one of these failed attempts is ME. There are no other patterns. These guys have been as different as night and day, and as varied as Berty Botts Every Flavoured Beans - in their approach, in their treatment of me, in their attitudes, in their interests, in their appearance, in their mannerisms, in their quirks: in every single way. The only consistent thing across every interaction has been either my incredible immaturity, my lack of action (possibly stemming from my immaturity), or my lack of investment (also could be placed under the category of immaturity). I've been severely passive, letting chances go by, relationships go down the shitter - all because I'm too scared? It must be scared-ed-ness (fright) because I can't imagine why somebody would willingly destroy anything and everything that came their way otherwise.
And what I'm scared of, I can't imagine.
Zeebs says I'm a commitment-phobic. It kind of makes sense, I can't even stay with a guy that I'm not in a relationship with... I can't even do flings, I can't even do real friendships (unless the other person is willing to fork over 90% of the effort between the two of us.)
I used to tell myself I'm just running into the wrong kind of guy, but it's almost as if though I go out and seek them. And if the guy isn't wrong, I become wrong - taking his place at being the asshole in the relationship. And occasionally, the guy and I will take turns at being the asshole. Those are the most drawn-out things - but eventually, it always ends in the same way: I feel shitty, he feels shitty, and no, we can't be friends.
So okay, I've identified the problem. Now the question is, how do I replace ME with a positive behaviour?
posted by captain obvious at 1:38 p.m.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home