should i put my trust in something i don't trust in?

Yesterday: Port Credit with CGE. Just a laid back walk from Starbucks, with my (new) fave drink in hand down to the edge of the pier. Enjoying the seemingly endless expanse of Lake Ontario, I thought, "they can say whatever they want about how dirty and filthy and gross it is, it is absolutely gorgeous to me."

At utter and complete ease with myself and with the world, I accepted a few compliments graciously and didn't hold much back. I was honest in all my rambling and sincerely wanted to know the answers to the questions I posed. If there's one thing I've learned in the last few months, it's that you have to be completely honest about yourself, even if its at the expense of something you think you might want.

When the pier got old and we grew weary of people-watching, we moved onto the playground. This particular playground holds some sentimental value for me. It was the place I first froze my ass off coming to terms with the fact that you're going to have a connection with someone who is utterly wrong for you every once in a while. Yesterday, it held a different kind of meaning: it was just a place to enjoy some time with a new friend.

I'm in that place now where I just want to not feel stupid about being myself. I'm beyond the place where I want to worry about what strangers think or whether acquaintances approve. And I really don't want to care any more about making people like me.

Indeed, no matter how hard I work at it, not everyone is going to like me all of the time, and no matter how hard I don't work at it, someone is going to like me some of the time, so why sacrifice anything of myself at all?

I don't want to feel like I have to explain the reasons behind my expectations, or reactions, or precautions. I feel like people should either understand it, or get out, like it, or leave it, love me, or leave me alone.
I'm tired of being misunderstood, misconstrued, misled, and mistaken.
So, if I put it all out there, this should happen less often.

When I put it all out there yesterday, in all it's ugliness and deformity, CGE said he thought it was pretty awesome. Maybe it's because he doesn't realize how honest it really was, or to what extreme it extends, or it's just one of those things that seem refreshing at first and then get tiresome and cumbersome after a while; or maybe he's simply one of those somebodies some of the time. Whatever the reason, it felt kind of nice to not have to put on a show.

Last night, after a nap, I hit the town with Eric and friends. We went salsa dancing at On the Curve, and it was really something different. Imagine people of all ages, in one place because they all just enjoy the same thing. Young ladies dancing with older gentlemen, older ladies dancing with younger gentlemen, seasoned pros, and beginners learning steps together. There wasn't judgment, there wasn't snobbery, there wasn't sexual tension or rudeness, just dancing. I loved it. Plus, the bar staff was nice, and the bouncer had a nice smile.
Eric really makes my life sometimes. There are few people in this world I find it easier or more fulfilling to talk to, and no one makes me feel less self-conscious in a new situation, or elicits quite as genuine a laugh.
But, that's a story for another day.