i like the movie "hairspray"

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know

The past year has been one of introspection and soul searching.
My adventures in institutionalized education are coming to an end, and my life as I know it will follow suit. I feel guilt and shame for having wasted the better part of 4 years, without goals and without pushing myself. I'm hoping I'll take away from this that it's never too late to start trying, and that it's important to have goals. Obviously, I might not achieve what I wanted if I start trying late, but the point is to start. Something is better than nothing. Better late than never. And goals, well, goals orient in a sea that can quickly become overwhelming. It's good to have a direction in mind -any direction- when you're trying to find your way back home.

Another lesson I learned is that I need to start thinking about what I want to do in life, and then I need to start doing it.

Now, I know, that at some point in my life I want to teach, and I want to go to law school. Just to see if I can, if I'd be good at it, and to see what it's all about. The wheels are in motion, but if they're blocked or if it doesn't work out this time around for whatever reason, then I need to keep trying.

I also know that I want to get back to the piano and fiddling around, and that I want to get the basics of guitar down pat, just for myself. Just for me. For when I'm sitting around at home not doing anything. (Not to please parents or rock out to with peers or show off in front of anyone. Just me.)

I want to travel - to see more of the world than Serbia and Montenegro and a resort in Cuba and some of Toronto and (it feels like) all of Mississauga. And when I travel, I don't want most of my time to be spent on a plane or a train or behind glass. I want to go somewhere and immerse myself in culture, in people, in language, and truly take something away from that. I believe there is no substitute in terms of education for living outside of your own life. As a voyeur by nature, and a lover of human thought, I think an expedition to some remote place I've never even thought to visit would be absolutely inspirational for me.

I want to do something special for my graduation. Finishing an undergraduate degree isn't a big deal, because a lot of people do it. But it is a big deal, because it's been a struggle and I've learned a lot throughout the process. I should celebrate my growth as a person, the friendships I've acquired, and my launch into a new chapter in my life. Those things deserve celebration.

I've learned so much about my core values this year. I've examined issues I'd never had a chance to question before and established my value-system as much more traditional than I originally thought. I believe in investing in things, in working hard at them, at not giving up when something is important. I believe in friends being family, and I believe in being there, always, no matter what, for family. I never thought so before, but I do believe in unconditional love, I believe in sacrificing for the greater good, I believe in someone wanting to hold onto me, in believing I'm worth fighting for. I believe in marriage, and the white picket fence, and the 2.5 children and the dog and the minivan, and I want that. I never thought I wanted that before. Obviously, I don't want it now, but it seems like a lot of the other things I want out of life are leading up to or a predication of that family I want to build, like that is my ultimate goal, and the other goals I have are just in place as a series of things to get me to that ultimate point better prepared and more ready to brave that world. And that is a shocking realization for me, (although I realize it really shouldn't be given my own family situation and where I've grown up.)
I hope that it's not a spit in the face of women's liberation that I think now, more than ever before, that I'd want to stay at home with my kids during the early years of their childhood if I could afford it at all, that I'd want to keep the place tidy and that weekend camping retreats would be cool for me. I hope it's okay that I don't want to be a powerwalking, fast talking, cool calm and collected corporate lawyer, but probably a family lawyer type gal instead.
But then, and this is probably the best lesson I've learned this year: who really cares what others think? What matters is that I'm happy, that my family is happy, that my friends are happy. And they'll be happy for me if I'm happy. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Lastly, I'm learning that you get what you ask for in life. I asked for love, I believed in it, I saw it, and I got it. This year with Spazzy has been a rollercoaster, constant learning and re-learning of truths about myself and about life. I'm learning, slowly, to believe in myself. To believe that I know what I'm doing, what I want, where I'm going, and how to get there. And as I get better at trusting myself, I will get better at trusting him, and us. And no matter the outcome, whether we're old and gray and still arguing about how much we paid for pepper, or whether this is all over a month from now, I have to believe that it was worth everything I put in, and that I'm worth everything I got out of it. I have to believe that the only way to live life is to put all of yourself into everything, including love, and take things as they come. And stop being scared.

So, my only new years' resolution is to get out of my comfort zone. To get messy. To make mistakes. And to always, always believe in me.