SHOESPEAK

"My feet hurt when I wear these shoes."
"So don't wear them."
"So does my back."
"So don't wear them."
"Well I can't very well go barefoot now, can I?"
"You could... but I don't recommend it."
"Well then your solution to my problem is completely useless."
"No it isn't. Now you know not to wear them again."
"Well, no. 'Cause I'd already figured out not to wear them again before I said that..."
"So why are you telling me?"
...
"It doesn't make any sense. My feet don't hurt when I wear my other running shoes. And these are runners also."
"Well, what difference does it make? If they hurt your feet, they're not comfortable, don't wear them."
"Well I didn't know they hurt my feet before."
"Well now you do."
"You're not being very sympathetic."
"What's to sympathize with? It's your own fault."
"How?!"
"Well it's certainly not my fault. And I'm not about to blame the shoes."
"But it is the shoes' fault!"
"Yes, but would you feel better if I said, 'Damn those shoes. Damn them to hell.'?"
"Yes."
"Well I won't say it."
"Well why not?"
"Because I don't make a practice of talking to inanimate objects."
"Well maybe you should start."
"What for?"
"To make me feel better."
"Would it alleviate the pain in your feet or your back if I said it?"
"Probably not."
"There you go."
"But it'd give me a shoulder to lean on, so to speak. Instead of leaving me all alone in this world of complete and utter desolation and pain."
"I think you're being a tad dramatic..."
"No, think about it. If you were here for me, I wouldn't have to deal with the pain all by myself. It's like that old Chinese proverb. 'Share happiness with a friend and it becomes twice the size. Share sadness with a friend, and it becomes half as great.' Or something."
"That sounded like English to me..."
"You know what I mean..."
"Well, I'm not Chinese."
"Well you could certainly stand to learn something from them."
"Like how to build a wall?"
"No! Like how to be a good friend."
"Oh."
...
...
...
"How's that?"
"By damning my shoes to hell."
"Right. Ok. Damned shoes."
"See? Was that so hard?"
"Does this mean I'm Chinese now?"
"No."
"So why'd I just say that?"
"To be a good friend."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"I think I missed the point."
"You certainly did."
"But you feel better?"
"Yes."
"Well, I guess that's good then."
"Yes."
"Wait, you just won, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"But I was winning the whole time..."
"No one ever gets a medal for 'winning the whole time' then slowing down before the finish line."
"Is that another Chinese thing?"
"No. That's common sense."
"Wait, you're not even Chinese."
"I know that."
"I'm confused."
"It happens."