DONE!
I'm never applying to Law School again.

*throws up a little*

I feel sick to my stomach for even thinking it.

to do

I have approximately three weeks to get two professors to write spectacular things about me in the form of two amazing reference letters.

I also have approximately three weeks to justify why I have an academic average 1 grade point lower than the one they are looking for in a "competitive" candidate.

I have 2 weeks left of hoping and praying that I did well on my LSAT.

I have 3 days to finish a personal statement

I am very nervous.

My back is killing me.

I hate essays.
I can't wait to graduate.

84th percentile

"What are you, 20?
If you don't get in this year, you will next year.
Who cares?"

Best. Day. Ever.
I GOT ANOTHER REFERENCE!

a word from our sponsor

I know complaining doesn't do anyone any good, but I just have to say:
It sucks taking the bus for an hour and a half to a place that would take you 20 minutes to get to by car. It sucks standing outside in the cold, snow, wind, waiting for your adjoining bus for 36 minutes because you just missed the last one. And it sucks watching time just disappear on your fucking adventures on Mississauga-Fucking-Transit or the God-damned TT-fucking-C.

Okay?
It just fucking does.

and yes, it's been a great weekend

He's on time, wearing a hoodie and smiling at me as I open the door. He waits for me to put on my makeup, telling me I don't need it the whole time. He checks out the family project because I care about it.
We drive to IKEA and get lost, taking the same (wrong) route we took the last time. He doesn't mind. Neither one of us minds that it's crowded or crazy, as we saunter down aisles we've walked before, commenting on furniture we've seen twice already, and talking about the future in the most abstract. We try out all the chairs we know to be comfiest and laugh about the Asian kid falling over on the mattress. He points out some Asian babies to me, and offers to cause a distraction while I do my thing. I buy some Meatballs, because I know how much he likes them, some chips, and a storage bin. He buys a clock. We dine on fine IKEA cuisine on an early Saturday afternoon - I grab the drinks, he grabs the cutlery. We make a good team.
Driving home we talk about plans for later that night, and when we get to my house, sprawl out on my big comfy bed for a cat nap. There's nowhere I'd rather be, I think, there's nothing I'd rather do.
We go our separate ways only to meet again several hours later. He runs out of his house and jumps into the passenger seat. We kiss for a long time. Once we get to Spadina, we switch seats because I hate driving downtown. He drops me off at the Pizza Nova and circles around the block, I buy the pizza and run out of the store just as he's pulling up to the sidewalk. He finds a parking spot right next to his friend's house. We share some laughs and some hugs in a small, warm apartment with good friends. We laugh at lovers' quarrels. We make more plans. I'm tired, so I leave. He walks me to my car and tells me to drive safe.
He hops into my car the next afternoon, and we drive to the Shopper's. He frowns the whole time we're there, but I know he secretly loves it. We grab a couple burgers and act gay while we wait in line. We listen to some old tunes at Apache, then we get on the highway for the long drive home. He plays with my hair. We watch some tv, and go up to his room. Then it's time to go.

Thought of the day: be thankful for what you get.

after

Today is a sad day.
One of those melancholy, moody, gray days.

In all the excitement and all the possibility, I lost touch with a little bit of reality.
An essential, important little bit of reality.

I've been working hard lately on making something unrealistic happen.
I've been told by everyone I've talked to that I should ignore the literature, my gut feelings, and every other piece of dependable evidence I have access to - and try anyway. Try really, really hard. And try again if I fail. And keep trying.

But today, somebody very wise, and probably with my best interest at heart, told me something else entirely: that I don't stand a chance of getting into any law school in Ontario, and that I should really focus on any and all backup plans that I have thought about.

It came as a double disappointment because I held such high hopes for today.
After a stagnant few days during which no professors were getting back to my emails or attending their office hours, one invited me to discuss the possibility of him writing me a reference letter today. He told me he remembered me as a good student with lots of enthusiasm and fantastic contributions to class discussions - and he wasn't joshing, because he knew how to pronounce my name and recognized me immediately as I walked into his classroom.

He all but agreed to write me a raving letter until he heard what my CGPA was. Then, his face fell and he told me that I didn't really stand a chance.
That I should consider schools in the states.
That I should focus on getting into Teacher's College.

And it's a truth that I knew, before any of this hubbub began. It's a truth I spent months trying to convince my parents of. It's a truth I had already dealt with and buried a long time ago... But it's also a truth that I'd allowed myself to ignore as I got a little lost in (some would call it blind) optimism... because what I wanted had crystallized so clearly so quickly, and I'd been directionless for so long, that to let it go on account of a trivial little thing such as "THERE IS NO CHANCE" seemed a mistake.
So I listened to the preachings of my parents who think I'm the best at everything, and it felt so good to have them proud of me again.
And I told all my friends about my aspirations, and it felt so good to have them all tell me that I could do it, not taking into account that they didn't know what "it" was or how unqualified I was for "it".
And it felt good to have a direction, to have a goal, to let myself think I stood a chance.

And now, well, now, most of that is gone.
Today's meeting was a little bit of a blow to my confidence, and a huge bit of a blow to my motivation. Because I've been called back to planet Earth, and, well, when hope is gone, what's the point?

aches, pains, & strains

I have approximately three weeks to get two professors to write spectacular things about me in the form of two amazing reference letters.
This will prove challenging as I have gotten to know zero professors well during my studies at UTM.
Apparently, I am supposed to engage people in this exercise who care about my success, ultimately, and who believe that law school is the right choice for me - because they need to convey these things in their letters. But... who does care?
No one I can think of off the top of my head, at all.

I also have approximately three weeks to justify why I have an academic average 1 grade point lower than the one they are looking for in a "competitive" candidate.
I have to convince them that I'm capable of handling law school - but my track record doesn't say that I am. My track record says either that I am lazy, or I am stupid. And I'm not sure that spinning it either way will be more likely to get me into law school.
Perhaps I can say that I wasn't motivated to succeed - but then, why would I be motivated to succeed in law school? What makes today different?
To merely say that I have matured over the last year (which is true) isn't enough. I have to prove that I have matured. But short of them looking at this year's grades, they can't see that - and they won't be looking at this year's grades, because this year's grades won't be in by the deadline.
So what do I do?

I have 2 weeks left of hoping and praying that I did well on my LSAT.
I honestly have no idea whether or not I failed miserably or succeeded stunningly. I don't even have an inkling in either direction. I'm trying to remain positive - but this is the one thing that can rescue me. A lot rests on it. And that is causing me a lot of stress.

I have 3 weeks to write a personal statement that will concisely and intelligently put into words something I've been unable to put into words for the last year.
Why DO I want to go to law school? Why would I make a good law student? A good lawyer? Because I want to make a difference - but how? Because I think law is interesting - but why? Because I want to spend the next three years of my life doing something worthwhile - but why is this it? Because I can - but can I? Because I've grown and I'm ready to invest in my future? Because I want to fight for the underdog? Because I can't wait to read a billion textbooks on a billion topics that will bore me to sleep? Because there's the possibility that one of them will ignite something in me? Because I want what I am passionate about to have a leg to stand on in this world? Because I want to put off growing up for another three years?

But how do I sell that to a law school?

I am very nervous. And, in the meantime, life isn't stopping or slowing down. I still have assignments and essays and tests to do in all of my classes - classes I need to ace in the event that I don't get accepted into law school this year, so that I will stand a better chance next year. I still have a practicum placement to attend, friends to hang out with, a boyfriend I love spending time with.

So I'm very stressed out, and it is no wonder that my back has been killing me for the last two weeks.

things will never be the same

I don't have any money.
I need money.
I'm looking for a job.
I don't really want one because I'm having a hard enough time keeping up with schoolwork as it is.

I will probably end up in a low paying, zero satisfaction job, spending the amount I make on lunches at the mall during my break.
But that is just the way life goes.