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Life is strange. The minute you get what you want, you start wanting something new; usually something that, up until a minute ago, was completely irrelevent.
I find myself sleeping for 12 hours a day so that I don't have to deal with the business of living more then absolutely necessary, and indulging every whim I happen to entertain for more than two seconds. Over the Christmas Break, my willpower has been exerted exactly zero times.
I want to think I'm doing nothing simply because I'm on holiday, and I finally can be doing nothing, but that's not true. I was doing nothing during the last semester as well, and my 70 in Ecology is proof. (This 70 is a direct result of the lab worth 5% I didn't hand in, and the other 3 labs I handed in 1-3 days late - the late penalty was 20% per day. The 70 I ended up with means I probably got an 80+ on the final exam. And since I got a 76 on the first midterm, and an 86 on the final presentation, this means if I'd just handed shit in on time, I could've had an 80, easy, in this class). I could've had an 80, but I don't. Because I was too busy self-handicapping and setting myself up for failure in the event I really sucked at Ecology to actually do any work and succeed.
The fact that I repeatedly sell myself short in the academic realm has got me looking at other things in my life, to see if this sort of self-handicapping attitude applies anywhere else. And lo and behold, it sure does.
I find myself reading into conversations with Spazzy far beyond any intended hidden meaning they might have held, and finding all sorts of patterns that probably don't hold any significance in reality and are just coincidentally there. I find myself working myself up over little things, getting all upset, and then confronting the clueless him about the emotions I'm feeling, that are mostly based on things I made up in my head. I find myself being snappy for no reason and picking fights over small things - almost willing him - daring him - to do the very thing I'm most afraid of - just leave.
I keep counting down the days until he realizes I have nothing to offer, and gets tired of putting up with my bullshit. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. This isn't a new phenomenon. Remember *ean?
I do it with my family, too. I push exactly the buttons I know I shouldn't push to get a reaction, and keep making the same mistakes over and over.
This insight isn't helping form a solution.
So what now? What's next?
How do I stop being so self-indulgent? How do I exercise my willpower to stop cushioning my ego pre-emptively from the bruises it might sustain if it's exposed to the truth? How do I let go and just jump in, get both hands dirty, and not look back?
I've never done it before, so I really don't know. Everything in my life thus far has just been me with lots and lots of padding on.
Children of Men is a really good movie.
I find myself sleeping for 12 hours a day so that I don't have to deal with the business of living more then absolutely necessary, and indulging every whim I happen to entertain for more than two seconds. Over the Christmas Break, my willpower has been exerted exactly zero times.
I want to think I'm doing nothing simply because I'm on holiday, and I finally can be doing nothing, but that's not true. I was doing nothing during the last semester as well, and my 70 in Ecology is proof. (This 70 is a direct result of the lab worth 5% I didn't hand in, and the other 3 labs I handed in 1-3 days late - the late penalty was 20% per day. The 70 I ended up with means I probably got an 80+ on the final exam. And since I got a 76 on the first midterm, and an 86 on the final presentation, this means if I'd just handed shit in on time, I could've had an 80, easy, in this class). I could've had an 80, but I don't. Because I was too busy self-handicapping and setting myself up for failure in the event I really sucked at Ecology to actually do any work and succeed.
The fact that I repeatedly sell myself short in the academic realm has got me looking at other things in my life, to see if this sort of self-handicapping attitude applies anywhere else. And lo and behold, it sure does.
I find myself reading into conversations with Spazzy far beyond any intended hidden meaning they might have held, and finding all sorts of patterns that probably don't hold any significance in reality and are just coincidentally there. I find myself working myself up over little things, getting all upset, and then confronting the clueless him about the emotions I'm feeling, that are mostly based on things I made up in my head. I find myself being snappy for no reason and picking fights over small things - almost willing him - daring him - to do the very thing I'm most afraid of - just leave.
I keep counting down the days until he realizes I have nothing to offer, and gets tired of putting up with my bullshit. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. This isn't a new phenomenon. Remember *ean?
I do it with my family, too. I push exactly the buttons I know I shouldn't push to get a reaction, and keep making the same mistakes over and over.
This insight isn't helping form a solution.
So what now? What's next?
How do I stop being so self-indulgent? How do I exercise my willpower to stop cushioning my ego pre-emptively from the bruises it might sustain if it's exposed to the truth? How do I let go and just jump in, get both hands dirty, and not look back?
I've never done it before, so I really don't know. Everything in my life thus far has just been me with lots and lots of padding on.
Children of Men is a really good movie.
posted by captain obvious at 3:05 p.m.
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