I suck at breaking up with *ean.
He says he knows I know he'd be good for me.
Hmm.

Seems deep.

3 days 'til I'm gone. To have fun. Or something.

I hate reminding people they owe me money.

Lest We Forget.

On Thursday, 37 innocent people, minding their own business, going to work, were killed, 700 or so more injured, because someone didn't like what their Prime Minister was doing in Iraq and Afghanistan.

What bothers me most about this is twofold: 1) People have been left without family members, without friends - to mourn. Needlessly. Pointlessly.
2) No one is going to learn a goddamned thing from this. This is going to be just fuel for the fire.

2) Cont'd: All this incident does is give more power and justification for violence to the same biggots who started the whole mess in the first place. This is just another example of nonsense Blair can use as justification to push his agenda, killing innocent people overseas with the aid of his compadres, which will in turn result in more terrorist attacks on innocent people, which will in turn result in more justification for 'The War on Terror' (which kills innocent people), and so on and so forth to infinity.

The tragic bit is that the process is not Darwinian. No one that should be getting killed is actually getting killed.
Bush is still broadcasting weekly, spewing his evil.
Blair is still as big-eared and satan-like on television as ever.
Bin Laden is still somewhere, up and about, on dialysis, probably... but around.

The world is no better a place now then it was in 2001 when this 'War on Terror' began (in fact, I'd argue it's way worse) - which begs the question - couldn't there have been a better way (isn't there a better way?) to fight terror then with bombs on innocents, eliciting more anger, more terror? This approach (bombing into submission) clearly isn't working, why not try something new?
Wouldn't a more effective approach be better diplomacy so that the entire freaking world didn't hate your goddamned guts (rightfully, because you killed a whole slew of their people like cowards from the sky, not even giving them a chance to fight you back in any way - being the most powerful nations in the world and all) so much they wanted to blow up some of your innocent civilians? And isn't there any way you can blow up the politicians who are ruining your lives instead of wasting fire-power on regular average Joes who clearly have no sway as far as fighting wars in your country is concerned? I mean, take this incident for example. Blair isn't going to pull out of Iraq 'cause you killed 37 Londoners on their way to work. So all you did was kill some people. And, guess what? Not in the mix? BLAIR. So the exercise was totally futile.

Just like this rant.

I don't know who I'm directing these questions at. Clearly it's not at Bush or Blair, because their interest is clearly not to end terror. They need terror to scare people into letting them do what they're doing.
It's clearly not directed at the terrorists - these people are angry, and possibly chemically unbalanced (like their Western politician counterparts), and they believe violence will somehow solve something.
On both sides, the violence is directed at innocent people, who had nothing to do with anything. So, my questions are directed at those people, I suppose: The innocent.

Because neither guilty side seems to notice the disconnect, I'm throwing these questions out there to those people, who, like me, are just sitting around, watching the shit hit the fan all around them, wondering when the police will show up and break up this raucous party - because just one more dance with the lampshade on his head is all it will take for Bush to literally bring the house down.
I'm throwing this idea out to them, that violence begets violence - proven, AND NOBODY IS TELLING ANYONE TO STOP. We're all sitting around waiting for the cops that no one's called, for the hero that isn't coming.
It's time someone stood up and yelled:

IT'S MAKING ME DIZZY.
I WANT TO HURL.
STOP THE FUCKING RIDE.

Otherwise, am I supposed to live in fear because retards are running the world?
That seems silly. Tragic. And completely and utterly hopeless.

All it takes for evil to prevail in this world, is for good men to sit by and do nothing.

Lest We Forget.
July 7, 2005.

what the hell does THAT mean?!

I never know what's going on.
Ever.
And when I most think I know what's going on, it turns out that's when I least know what's going on.
So I met up with *ean with every intention of breaking up with him before he could break up with me. Except that totally failed because neither one of us seemed to wanna break up with the other.
Then he asked me if he'd see me when I got back, ever. If it was even an option. To which I said, "Of course it's an option, except it's highly unlikely since we're not swearing off other people for five weeks, and you meet three girls in three days - so... five week's worth of girls - one of them is bound to spark your interest."
Then he made me promise that I'd go into this thinking, "We'll see what happens" rather then, "There's no hope" or "It's a sure thing". Which seemed reasonable at the time. But seems weirdly strange now.
Everything seems reasonable when he explains it.
I'm not sure (again) why I agreed to this. I was going to yell, "It's all or nothing! You can't have me as your safety net!" But then he said, "Will you be my safety net?" and I yelled, "Sure!"
Infuriating.
And I don't know what's going on.

If I want to be honest with myself and with everyone I know, and I do, then I have to admit that this situation with *ean is just about to blow up in my face.
Why?
Well, honestly:
I missed *ean last weekend when I didn't see him.
I missed him all this week when I didn't see him.
I wondered what he was doing and who he was with, plagued by jealousy - that green-headed monster that, even now, is making me act in ways I wouldn't otherwise.
If this *nna person is completely made up and just a ploy to get me to admit that I do have some feelings other then "this is kinda fun" towards *ean, then he's a genius, because I've been feeling the burn - the burn familiar to all girls who've been scorned in boyland adventures when they were too giving, too freely, too soon. And if it's not a ploy, it might as well be, because I'm going crazy.
Now all that remains is the historical question of what came first, the chicken or the egg? Did I have feelings for *ean pre-*nna, and the *nna debacle just brought them out OR did I magically develop "feelings" post-*nna because people always want what they can't have?
Either way, honestly, a tiny part of me wants to tell him that I want him all to myself, selfish as it is, and knowing full-well that that'll never do because that's not what he wants or needs at this point. So I could be honest to that little bit of me, tell him, and face the consequence of never seeing him again because he doesn't want a girlfriend, OR I can just pretend like I wanted to dump him all along, break up with him, save some face, and move on with my life. And honestly, that's what the big bit of me wants to do.
To learn from my mistakes, I kind of feel like I have to tell him the truth and face the consequences and feel like a dolt for a while. Feeling like a dolt has the most sobering effect on me. But right now I don't think I want to learn from my mistakes. Mainly, I just want to get out of this with the smallest amount of bruising possible - maximizing time spent with *ean, minimizing the trauma - and enjoy the rest of my relatively painless summer.
So I somehow have to make this out to be his fault even though, to recap, honestly, I messed up. I saw it coming like a mack truck, I still let myself get attached, I told him to get out there, and got mad when he did. It's all my fault. Beginning, middle, and end of it. But honestly, I'd rather not admit that to him, if y'all don't mind.
I think being honest with myself and with all of you is honest enough.

4,000 Hits June 20th

Oh the irony.
*ean tells me yesterday after my post (and after much prodding on my part) that he went out with a few girls (few = 3) while I was away in Montreal, and that although there wasn't much chemistry with two of them, one of them sparked his interest.
She's 29, has just gotten out of a 4 year relationship 6 months ago, and is calling this her "Summer of Love".
He then proceeded to tell me that he wishes he could be my boyfriend, but he doesn't think that's the right role for him to take on right now.
The "Summer of Love", no-strings role with the other girl is probably a better one. (I inferred this last statement.)

Ok. Did I miss something? Weren't we having this exact discussion prior to my departure (x5), except it was me telling him that he doesn't need to be in that role right now? And me telling him that this "thing" with us is no-strings? Apparently I did miss something. A few somethings. One of them named *nne.

In any case, if he was trying to dump me, he did a really poor job of it because he asked me out for Friday. And I'm not sure why I agreed to go, since it seems he's found someone who he wouldn't mind fooling around with without making her take the title of "girlfriend", except that I'll feel stupid telling him it's no-strings and then being all, "Well, if you're seeing this other girl... I can't see you." And so on. Because that's clearly a string.
More like a rope.

People would rather be wrong consistently then contradict themselves. Another psychological principle I cannot avoid even though I know about it. Why bother learning about stuff if it makes no difference that you know about it? So you can identify your behaviour and give it a name and say "Good thing it's normal"? Normal behaviour can still be shitty behaviour. I don't think this normative nonsense should be any way to judge someone's actions. Lots of things are normal. Doesn't make them right.

Hm. Then there's the other thing with me leaving in t-minus 9 days for 5 weeks. So no matter how screwed up this situation is, or how messed up it ends up, or how badly he's messing with my head - it can't get that bad in 9 days. So we'll tough it out. And by "we" I mean "I".
What's the worst that could happen?

SUMMER OF LOVE 2005

It's strange how every time I actually have something worth writing about to uh... write about, I don't have the time, the patience, the will, the drive, or the know-how. Sometimes I have a mix of all of the above.
Such is the case here.
The trip to Montreal was OFF THE HOOK.
Words cannot even encompass the 'off-the-hookness' of the trip. I spent so many minutes laughing... I didn't really have an end to that sentence in mind at all when I started it... I think I've filled my laughing quota for the next year? LAME. Oh well, I'm tired. It'll have to do.

A synopsis, mainly for me, so that I recall what it is exactly (or sorta) that I did (a lot of it is fuzzy as it is because I was either drunk or hungover the whole time):
- Emery aka BIGHEAD downtown MTL, 4am - so out of this world with weirdness I cannot even EXPLAIN.
- Dancing in the street - Ashley got peed on
- Shawarma hunt
- Mango ice cream
- strippers ('real sex later')
- how about a kiss? how about no...
- wakeup booty call 5am
- dunja with the sexy eyes
- sandwiches by jonathan
- love notes
- singing in the washroom
- nelly's poo song
- zeebs' drunkeness
- paul is BRIGHT RED
- orgasmic italian food
- 'hint of aspartame'
- 'my head almost fell off'
- ben's hate note
- zeebs does my makeup pretty!
- zeebs and i duke it out at mickey dee's
- chilling at timmies
- guy in white shirt (*drools*)
- pole dancing
- sketchy bouncer following ashley around to the washroom
- guy at pizza place. ashley: "i didn't order that one!!!"
- UPHILL MARCHES
- 'the party is that way!'
- piggyback ride via Pauly
- piggyback ride via jonathan
- empty club, free drinks, drunk blonde
- cette bicyclette N'EST PAS POUR VENDRE!!!
- ben's neighbours
- shopping
- souvlaki
- gay club
- nice pillows jonathan
- sunbathing - REJECTED
- run around the track, plea-eh!
- frisbee "we're going to get a beer..."
- curly-haired dude (i think his name was simon)
- quiet guy (frank... or fred... or something)
- fireman, can dude, metal bouncer, and other civil servants
- fuck the union jack
- 'where'd that muffin come from?' 'hell, every time i'm in this room i'm either drunk or hungover'
- 'correct me if i'm wrong, but jonathan is totally sitting around in the dark waiting for some lesbian action to go down...'
- 'WHAT TIME IS BREAKFAST?!'

I'm sure I'm forgetting a whole lotta stuff. It'll get added in as pictures and memories come back and I think: 'I can't believe...'