i don't eat them

Liar.

I eat everything.
And spend too much money.
I can't quit this.

There are some things you can't erase or take back. There are some things that never stop, never go away. I can't quit me.

Ignore it. Avoid it. Deny it. Confuse yourself, delude yourself, deceive yourself. But you can't convince yourself. Not for real. Not for good. Not for long. I can't quit you.

Because you could just be going about your day, your week, your month, - and then BAM! - it just hits you, out of nowhere. And you know why? Because every day is a game of Russian roulette. And once in a while, you pull, and it doesn't just click. Once in a while, you pull and you don't get this flood of relief. Because once in a while, you don't even realize you pulled.

Then it all washes over you - foreign, and yet somehow familiar -like coming back to the place you grew up. It's not yours anymore, and it's not the same - but somewhere deep down it's as if you never left. You remember chasing games and the smell by the window in spring; things long forgotten.
Somehow, that something that you've been missing all this time is back, and you feel whole, even though you'd never even noticed it was gone.

And then it's just this feeling: malaise and longing; wishing you weren't pretending just to get by.

There are just things that I've done that I wish I could change. Things I wish I could believe. Things I never want to be reminded of again.
But I know that it's only a matter of time before I pull the trigger and it doesn't just click again.
And that scares the fuck out of me.

I wish I'd never let go.
This game is stupid, anyway.

twiddle dee and twiddle dum

Ran into Blake today at work.
Josh the other day in downtown Toronto.

It's strange seeing people from high school.
It's all so different from what I remember.

Blake gave me a big hug, and his number.
Josh and I hung out for about two hours shooting the shit. He got my number before I left.

It's so strange, hearing how Josh remembered we had talks that I'd forgotten we'd had. Seeing Blake spaz out - he was usually the calm and collected one.
Josh seemed somehow way nicer then I remember him, and Blake, way more socially inept.
Time doesn't stand still. What a shocker.

It make me think about how much I've grown in the last year; how much I've learned and all I've forgotten. And it makes me wary of what I've yet to experience, but somehow excited to find what awaits.

don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin

How cool is it to have a crush on someone who doesn't know you exist?

So cool that even I'm doing it!

You should try it sometime. It's poison. The good kind.

take it like a man

You ever wonder who those fretards are who drive 50km in a 80km zone? In the left-most lane? Who push the pull door? Who trip up stairs? Who spell "their" "there"? Or call customer service when their computer isn't working because it's not plugged in?

Well, wonder no more, my friends. Because I AM THAT FRETARD.

I didn't call customer service. But I did call my father.
My internet has been on the fritz for about three days now. I've been frustrated beyond belief, resetting the wireless router on average about three times a day, rebooting, generating new WEP keys (I have no idea what they're for, but apparently sometimes getting a new one helps), and one frustration just led to another. I COULD NOT, for the life of me figure out why in hell my internet wasn't working. The other two computers in the house ON THE SAME NETWORK were doing fine. (First hint).
My father walks into the room. Asks if I've rebooted. Asks if I've generated a new WEP key. Asks if I've reset the router.
Yes. Yes. Yes! I yell, frustrated. "Don't you think I would've tried all of those things before calling you in here?!"
"Is your wireless switch flipped "on"?"
MY JAW JUST DROPPED.
I look down, and the FUCKING SWITCH is OFF. I must've hit it or something without noticing. FAACK.
For three days, I've been trying to find a very complicated solution to a very simple problem. STARING me in the face in the form of a light that wasn't on.
Idiot.

So while I still drive like a normal person, and haven't tripped up any stairs in at least a week, I AM THE FRETARD you wonder about sometimes.
I fell down my stairs the other day with a sandwich in one hand and a cup of orange juice in the other. The juice spilled ALL OVER me and the staircase.
The floor is still sticky.
My mother wonders why.
Haha. She'll never know the truth.

P.S. I hate pussyteases.

dedicated to those with a 2 second attention span

Ok. You're supposed to put your music device on shuffle and answer the questions with the first song that plays.
So maybe the music I listen to is inspiring my mind's forray into the gutter, or maybe I'm misinterpreting everything from the perspective of someone who's mind is in the gutter, or maybe fate is just trying to tell me something. Either way, I did this twice because I could not believe the results the first time around. And each time... well... see for yourselves:

How does the world see me?
One Thing – Amerie feat. Jay-Z or Come Get It – Aaron Carter

Will I have a happy life?
Stronger – Britney Spears or Listen to Your Heart - DHT

What do my friends really think of me?
Call Me - Orion Too or Satisfaction - Benni Bennasi

Do people secretly lust after me?
Hey Ya - Outkast or Hey Mama - Black Eyed Peas

How can I make myself happy?
Beep – Pussycat Dolls feat. Will.I.Am or Woo Hoo - Blur

What should I do with my life?
Thoia Thong – R. Kelly or Turn the Lights Down Low - Bob Marley feat. Lauren Hill

Will I ever have children?
Shake That – Eminem feat Nate Dogg or Breathe - Blu Cantrell feat. Sean Paul

What is some good advice for me?
She Fucking Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd or Crazy - Britney Spears

How will I be remembered?
Le Disko – Shiny Toy Guns or One Call Away - Chingy

What is my signature song?
King of the Dancehall – Beenie Man or Can't Hold Us Down - Christina Aguilera

What do I think my current theme song is?
Run It – Chris Brown or I Get Knocked Down - Chumbawumba

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Break Me – Jewel or Someday - Mariah Carey

What song will play at my funeral?
So I Tekila – Monteniggaz or Watch Me - Joi Campbell

What type of men do I like?
Give Me The Light – Sean Paul or Falling Under - Evanescence

What is my day going to be like?
Billy Jean – Micheal Jackson or Foolish Games - Jewel

I've finally handed everything in for the course. Now I just have to wait and see if I was too late. The suspense would be killing me under normal circumstances, but for some odd reason I don't care.

I received a rather inspiring email today:
When you feel like nobody loves you,
Nobody cares for you,
And everyone is ignoring you,
You should really ask yourself...



Am I TOO sexy?
(Thanks Tomal).

Nelly slept over last night. Good, long talk.
It's times like yesterday and this morning that I remember why she's my bestest friend in the entire universe. She makes me feel loved.
"And then you'd be seizuring on me for... oh, 45 seconds!"
"But then I realized that your personality was just one short, punctuated joke after another - much like our sex life..."
LOVE IT!

i slurred my words

At my second ever NHL hockey game, I got to witness Mats hat-tricking it up, and the Leafs taking it with 11 seconds left in the Sudden Death portion of the night's programming.
I was a little tipsy, the crowd was a little excited, the little boy behind us was a little adorable, and all of these factors added up to make for an awesome night out on the town.
"You suck, RED!" - Everyone turns around. So embarrassing.
A new book rests in the new awesomely cute purse I stole from my sister. My assignment, due on February 1st, FINALLY finds its way to its resting place in my Professor's fax inbox. Thoughts of a new adventure this weekend successfully invade every waking moment since my alarm went off. And a phone call from a new prospect I'd given up for dead makes me smile (and stop, and think).

At one point, I realize that if I was struck down by lightning right now, there's not a single moment of today I would've regretted or wanted to change.

And yesterday wasn't half bad, either. Playing some pick-up football, seeing that guy peeing in the bushes, hearing **rren's version of "dashing through the snow", and exchanging girlish squeals with **stine over talk about boys - it was just so cute.

Spring is so totally in the air, and I so totally suffer from seasonal affective (depressive) disorder that it's not even funny.
I can't even begin to explain how much better (inexplicable, really) life has gotten in the last month. It's totally all the sunshine. What else could it be?

and you wanna know what else?

Rosey is taking me to the Leafs game tonight. I'm thinking about what to wear. I'm thinking about sex. I'm thinking about how I'm going to fail this course. I'm thinking about sex. I'm thinking about how much I dislike hockey. I'm thinking about sex. I'm thinking about how Nelly is coming over tomorrow. I'm thinking about sex. I'm thinking about how excited I am to see her. Sex. We'll probably hang out, enjoy the great weather. Maybe go for a rollersex? Rollerblade... I meant rollerblade. I don't want to have sex with Nelly, I don't think, but I don't wanna have sex with my clothes or the Leafs team either, and yet...
It's not funny.
It's absolutely horrible.
I'm sorry to all the virgin eyes out there that I've offended. STOP READING MY BLOG.
It'll only get worse.

God, he's hot.

oil and water

So, if I don't hand my assignments in today, I'm going to fail the course. Plain and simple.
And all I can think about, ALL I can think about, is SEX ON ICE.
This is why boys and school don't mix, h'okay?

little dipper

I'm pretty sure someone out there now knows what my intestines taste like.
(And no, I didn't sign any organ donation cards or get accosted by black market organ dealers. Which only leaves... Use your imaginations.)
One more thing to cross off my "to-do-before-I-die" list. Yesssss.

What-a-day. So busy at work for 8 hours straight, then illin' with the Rents who have a crush on my Serbian friend, and then Port Credit.

Wow.
Less then a week before I officially come face to face with fate - that sexy-eyed monster. That fate... that fate with the sexy eyes... BAHAHAHA.

Phwoar.

The best part is: no one, and I mean NO ONE knows what I'm talking about. Not even me!

the sex god has landed

So - life is strange.

One minute you're all "My life sucks, nobody likes me, I hate everyone" and the next minute, there's just too much* to do and see.

I feel like someone is playing a giant practical joke on me - like they asked everyone to just be super nice to me and pretend to like me. Like maybe I have a sign stuck to my back that says, "Take advantage! I'm vulnerable!" and people have all of a sudden learned to read and follow directions.

And maybe it's just that spring is in the air and such, but honestly, I can't think of a better place to be then where I am right now.

Well, yes, I can. It'd be nice if every other other other other other other other thought didn't center on one thing - but I'm making progress. It used to just be every other thought.

And it'd be nice if any one of the myriad of things that is cropping up held any sort of promise whatsoever - but I'm kinda glad none of them do. Because lets face it, summer is just around the corner, and I think it's fly when guys stop by for the summer.

OooOooh, ooer, how badly this is all "just a little bit"... much.

LOVE IT!

_____________________________________________________
*too many boys

P.S.
DRINK WHAT YOU WANT
DRINK WHAT YOU'RE ABLE
IF YOU'RE DRINKING WITH ME
YOU'LL BE UNDER THE TABLE!
- U.T.M. Drinking Team

synthesize this!

If only you were here - things would be more magical
If I were there - right now would be more radical
You're so not near - I'm wishing I could place a call
And feel closer to you

You know when you just start liking someone? How everything they do is cute? How whenever they're around you feel like you're having way more fun then you otherwise would under the circumstances? How you think about them and the stupidest, littlest, most insignificant things they said or did a billion times a day? How it's all exciting when you make plans, and it's cool when there's a throwback to a joke made days ago? You know that anticipation before you accidentally on purpose run into them? Or the angst when you're walking away thinking "Idiot!" because of something so uncool that you said or did or didn't do or didn't say? How they make you all giddy and girly and gaga and googly eyed? And how you wanna yell "Give him the stick... DON'T give him the stick!"?

Yeah, no. Me neither.

Crushing like you're in grade seven is so overrated.

call me the bus driver, 'cause i'm taking you to school

It's April.
Spring is here. Plans surrounding Frosh Week are frustrating me (mainly because they are completely lacking, and I so love Frosh Week and don't want it to suck). Boys are confusing me. School is driving me insane.
All I want, ALL I want, is someone to make me laugh and then kiss me like they mean it.
Is that too much to ask?

Survey says: Yes, yes it is.

I got to the Dodgeball tournament an hour late because I forgot to change my clock back. Squashed it up, then hit Mickey Dee's. Knocked over Min Ku's drink. Good items, good items.

gyad

I can't write about anything I want to write about or need to write about here anymore because way too many people know this thing exists.

Ironic.

Vaguely, I'll just say that I wish I wasn't so confused about life in general, and guys in particular.

People keep telling me to stop thinking and just act, but the last time I did that... Well, I'm sure it's unnecessary to point out, but everything I've written in the last month is a direct result of not thinking and foggy vision.

So, the question is: Can I get away with it this time, unscathed?

Philosophers have debated it for centuries, and now I want a definitive answer to the question of Fate. Does it, or does it not, exist? If you know what is going to happen to you ahead of time, are you able to alter it?
Are the cogs spinning in a certain direction independent of my perceived control of the situation? Or is my perception of the way things are headed all that guides me in reality?
If I want to believe psychology, and I do, because I love it, it says that fate exists only insofar as you believe it exists. If you think something is going to happen, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But what about when you throw another person into the mix? How does your self-fulfilling prophecy interact with theirs? Who's wins? And, if their's wins, was that your fate or their's? Or both?

It's like quantum physics: When you try to prove it, it all falls apart.

So what good does it do me to be honest and in touch with how I feel and how the other person feels if something bigger then both of us is running the show? On the other hand, if I see RED ALERTS, should I really be silly enough to take the plunge anyway? Is it possible to simply not know what you're talking about? What you need? What's good for you? And is it possible that sometimes what you think would be worst for you turns out to be best? Or vise versa? And is that fate, then? Or just a fluke?

Why can't anyone give me answers to these questions? Yes, e=mc^2, but what about boys? WHAT ABOUT BOYS?

The dodgeball tournament is tonight, and I'm thinking that maybe a concussion wouldn't be such a bad thing right about now.